Loss and Gain

March is a rough month - as it has been for the past four years.

March 20 is the day that Bob passed and this year marks the fourth anniversary.  There always seems to be a bit of a sense of disturbance in the atmosphere, if you will, when the calendar turns to March.

Bob's family, picture taken in 2005; Keith is in the front center.

To make things worse, this March started with processing the loss of Michael's father on February 27, and the loss of my father-in-law, Keith Mosher, on March 4. Both funerals took place on March 8, a mere 650 kilometers apart.  While I mourned not being able to be with my loved ones during a time of grief - both to comfort and to be comforted - I also recognized that even if I had been in North America, there is no way I could have been at both services.  I also knew that these type of events would happen.  It is a given when you live overseas that you wonder who will die in your absence.  We have been very blessed that since 2005 there have not been many family deaths. 

But logistics aside, losing loved ones is always significant and causes a lot of nostalgia and reflection. As I watched family videos on my computer during the funerals, while being so far away, I contemplated both loss and gain.  I contemplated the brevity of life and how quickly it changes.  I reflected on my life and remembered a poem that I had read some time back by Longfellow:  

Loss And Gain

Hannah and Noah with their Grandpa and Grandma.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

When I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what attained,
Little room do I find for pride.

I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.

But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

Said of this poem:  "The life of beloved poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is proof that good can come from sorrow and difficulty. He received great honors for his many successes, but—like all of us—he also knew his share of heartbreak and grief, including the tragic death of his wife. From the losses he suffered, however, Longfellow gained insight and strength that found voice in his poems. Longfellow's poetry lives on today not only for its rhyme and rhythm but because it expresses courage and optimism, even in the face of disappointment.  In his poem "Loss and Gain" Longfellow writes of regret, of longing, of the wisdom born of humility, and of the hope that can come when we have faith in the future."

Who shall dare to measure loss and gain in this wise?  Indeed.  Wise words.

Bob's mom and step-dad, Lucille and Keith, married 44 years.  While not Bob's biological father, Keith was a loving grandfather to Hannah and Noah, and I know he loved me very much as well.  

 So in memory of Bob, for those of you who knew him well and miss him too, let's play a little game called, "What's he saying."  Bob was very expressive...very, very expressive...and you could interpret a lot from his facial expressions.  So, looking at the pictures below, guess what he is saying:

#1:  Location:  Ghana.  This first one is easy.

#2:  Context:  We are in a hospital in Milan, Italy (Bob is the patient) and they just brought in the hospital food.  What does the look on his face mean?

#3  Context - Liberia:  A nightly ritual of helping children get jiggers out of their toes.  Bob has a needle in his hands and those are Enoch's feet.  What is he saying to him?

A Word from a Student

I am in the middle of another training of trainers for the Marketplace Ministry - we completed session one in February and are now in the middle of session two.  Session one focused predominantly on the theological foundation of Business as Mission (BAM); Session two focuses on basic business principles and how to teach the class.  There are fifteen students in Session 2 - twelve pastors from various parts of Kenya (four from ATS who were not in Session One as they had already taken the BAM class), one businesswoman who is a leader in her church in Kitale, and two NGO workers from Tanzania.

Session one started as one of my more challenging classes, with the pastors arguing more vigorously that we must be so careful in introducing business as mission to the church - that business as has been responsible for many bad thing in the world, from the creation of guns, to nuclear weapons, to cloning.  [These are pastors coming from more remote areas who have had varying degrees of theological training.] There was definitely a fear that this could be a slippery slope if we begin to affirm the call to business in the church.  I spent a couple of days on my toes, ready to cope with an argument at any time and found myself quite weary in the evenings.  As I pondered their reaction, I remembered that this is EXACTLY what I am here to do - to counter this belief with biblical support - to win the pastors to the understanding that business can be a calling so that they can affirm and support the majority of their members in their work. 

It reminded me of a quote that I use in my class from author Wayne Grudem, in Business As Mission:

“Who can enjoy being an evil materialist who works with evil money to earn evil profits by exploiting laborers and producing material goods that feed people’s evil greed and enhance their evil pride and sustain their evil inequality of possessions and feed their evil competitiveness?”

I imagine what the members of the collective churches had heard from their pastors about their work, and how that attitude serves to further the split between the "sacred" and the "secular."  Imagine what happens to a person who works in the manner as described above, viewed this way by many and eventually viewing themselves that way.  Imagine what happens to ethics and self-worth.  Gruden then continues by saying this: 

“But what if Christians could change their attitudes toward business, and what if Christians could begin to change the attitudes of the world toward business?  If attitudes toward business change in the ways I have described, then who could resist being a God-pleasing subduer of the earth who uses materials from God’s good creation and works with the God-given gift of money to earn morally good profits, and shows love to his neighbors by giving them jobs and by producing material goods that overcome world poverty, goods that enable people to glorify God for his goodness, that sustain just and fair differences in possessions, and that encourage morally good and beneficial competition.  What a great career that would be!  What a great way to give glory to God!”

One of the expectations of those who take my BAM class is to keep a daily journal to record what the Holy Spirit is whispering to them in this class and to give them a chance to process their thoughts.  
I was so surprised to see the below journal entry from one of the pastors who was giving me the hardest time in class.  (I later learned this man just loves to debate!)  Turns out he was not nearly as far away from believing in BAM as first thought.  In fact, he ended up with the highest grade in the class!  With his permission, I am sharing one of his journal entries:

A New Awakening For Business in the Marketplace to Change the World

The 7th of February came with a lot of enthusiasm and expectations.  It was a chilly morning as I woke up and had nothing else on my mind except making a trip to ICM (International Christian Ministries) in Kitale to attend an eight day class.  The class was to equip pastors and other businessmen in order to increase on their productivity. 

Upon our arrival, we were warmly received with ICM members of fraternity.  To my amazement, the class was a Training of Trainers by a Canadian volunteer by the name Renita Reed.

The facilitator took us via the central core in our role as pastors in the society and why ICM was established.  It tickled my mind as I came to the realization concerning the key role played by the Seminary in equipping and nurturing not only Church leaders but also the business men and women.  That is, to create an enabling environment to transform people in the society and marketplace socially, economically, spiritually, and environmentally.  I came to learn that there is a need to shift emphasis from poverty alleviation to empowerment.

It is important to merge the two meeting points that the church and the marketplace had earlier dispossessed; we need to change this initial presupposition.

Yet it is true that the Marketplace is always punctuated with people from all walks of life with some running businesses of all natures, while others posing as buyers, and while others are idlers.  To complicate the truth further, the Marketplace is alive every day, unlike the functions in our churches which normally open at certain or specific days of the week.  It is at the Marketplace that one can buy anything needed.

MARKETPLACE MINISTERS - A NECESSITY.  Men and women running businesses of all natures are drawn together from their mother churches but they are not well prepared to spearhead the spiritual aspect of it as their place of work. 

This therefore calls for a Christ Centered Business with an aim of reaching out to disciples of all nations.  This can only be realized if I, as a pastor, will encourage and give a green light to my fellow members to engage in this ministry of soul winning. 

In Luke 7: 31-35, Jesus described this generation as rebellious, stubborn, obstinate, and insensitive to the surrounding plight.  The shared insights rejuvenated my otherwise dominant inclination. Stressing also on the same, Mr. Alfred Rutto, on behalf of the principal of ICM, echoed our vitality of transforming the Marketplace via the training of her ministers.

A green light from the pastor.  That is key in this work.  I'm so thankful that this concept has been well received in this pastor's mind!

[The fun thing about Session 2 is that with the addition of the well-trained ATS pastors, I no longer need to be on my toes, as they are ready to jump in - now I just need to moderate the debate!]

And it's been a long time since someone has called me a Canadian!

It only takes a spark...

The entire group of Marketplace Ministries, with ICM reps in the front.

I remember in Liberia when it seemed the work was beginning to have a life on its own, owned by nationals.  I remember in Ghana when I recognized that the work was gathering a momentum of its own.  And yesterday, I recognized a similar situation in Kenya.

We had the Marketplace Ministers Commissioning in Kakamega yesterday.  Forty-one business owners, all members of the Deliverance Church, accepted the calling of doing their business as a mission and were anointed with oil by their pastor to go out and reclaim the redeemed Marketplace.  This group has already decided to organize themselves as a cooperative to begin working together, seeing each other as collaborators rather than competitors.  Over and over again we heard that the networking that is taking place in the church is so exciting, as they didn't know each other before.  Five members of the church are being trained as trainers and they announced yesterday that the next class would be starting soon - people began to register after the service.  They will also reach out to area churches in this next class.  So of the four activities that we do, the training is complete, the mentoring will begin in the next month, advocacy is beginning, and access to capital is an ongoing dialogue.

The group made t-shirts for the occasion, with the logo of the African Theological Seminary on the front, and "My Business My Mission" on the back.  They designed this themselves but a shout-out to Doug Seebeck for them choosing the title of your book for their motto!

The new entrepreneurial team at the church, who are also the officials of the new cooperative formed by the team.  Quite a gifted and dynamic group of leaders!

In Kitale, all four activities are vibrantly moving forward with great success.  The trainers that I trained in October are now in their 8th week of a new training with 50+ business owners.  These business owners are from 16 different churches in the Kitale area!  Commissioning services will take place in a number of these services, thereby engaging the pastors and leadership.  We will have a meeting at the end of March to organize a poultry cooperative in Kitale, and Humphrey (from Kakamega) will come to speak, as will representatives from the Ministry of Trade and Ministry of Cooperatives who are very interested in our work.  The Chiefs from the regions have been gathered together to assist in the recruitment activity.

Meet Humphrey, the leader of the Entrepreneur Team at the church, the head of a 3600 poultry farm association, the head of an NGO, the leader of the new cooperative formed by the  Marketplace Ministers, currently in the Training of Trainers to be the next teacher of this curriculum, not to mention the fact that he runs three businesses of his own, is married and has seven children.  This is one busy man and so very talented!  He will be coming to Kitale at the end of March to speak to the poultry farmers that we are gathering here, in an effort to help mobilize them toward working together.

The training in Eldoret just began on Saturday.  They will bring up the rear of this research project, with members from the Anglican Church of Kenya (ACK) and the Africa Inland Church (AIC).

This week I start the second session of training of trainers with the fifteen students.  Once they complete the training, they will continue to be mentored as they begin to push the idea of Business as Mission and Marketplace Ministry in their respective churches.

The Friends (Quakers) Church continues to push this strongly forward through their leadership.  The Deliverance Church is now talking about how to push this out through their denomination.  We hope that the same happens in the ACK and AIC.

Next to me is Alfred Kibairu, the ICM Marketplace Ministry Coordinator.  This man is the perfect mix of theology (he's a pastor) and business (he's an accountant).  He has been such a blessing to this team and I know that he will carry this work forward!

As I watch our little office humming with activity, and I hear conversations that skilled and knowledgeable Kenyan leaders are having about this ministry - conversations that convey ownership, I can only cast my eyes up and whisper thanks to God.  In many cases my role has been to connect the dots - to bring people together in a room to start the dialogue.  I continue to pray that our quick growth will continue to have deep roots and not grow beyond our capacity to do the work well.  But I am so thankful for the people that God has brought to join in His work.  And I'm convinced this work was in progress before I arrived in Kitale - I was able to join what He had already been doing.

After the service, we went out for lunch together.  This is Rev. Dr. Jackson Wambua, the senior pastor of the church. He was in the first class at the Africa Theological Seminary and was part of the catalyst for ATS being what it is today.  Behind him is a stork that showed up - it tried to invite itself for lunch.  Dr. Wambua gave it a bit of food and eventually it moved on.  Big bird though!

What about your calling?

Some of you noticed that I didn't write a blog last week.  The announcement of my engagement was pretty momentous; it received a lot of response and I needed to do some processing.  As was expected and predicted, many people were happy for us.  But as also predicted, some gently pushed back and questioned our decision.  I have spent the last number of days wrestling with some of those questions and my reaction to them. 

Of those who questioned, the most frequent concern was phrased like this, “But what about your calling?”  To be honest, which I do my best to be in this blog, I bristled at this question.  My human response wanted to say back, “What about MY calling?  What about YOUR calling?” I had to sort out what was causing me to have this rather strong reaction.  To do that, I consulted with my pastor, David Beelen, and my best friend and fiancé, Michael, to help me process and sort through these feelings.

Pastor Dave had this to say about the question:  “What about your calling” is a great question.  In fact, we all have a vocation from God.  That is part of the beauty of the theological tradition that rooted us in the Christian life: all believers have callings from baker to banker to butcher to missionary.  Work is a blessing from God.  And anyone who has been listening for that voice and then following it as a single person (and in your case, single by being widowed) has a call to follow Jesus as a single person.  But following Jesus at this point in your life means being a wife to Michael. And that means that together you need to figure out how you will follow God’s voice to you together.  Just like Bob and you did earlier.  That may mean Africa or may not. 

God has allowed my calling to change a few times in my life:  from social work to business development; from living in the country to living in the inner-city; from living in the inner-city to living in West Africa; from being Bob's wife to being his widow; from Partners Worldwide to ICM; and now, from being a widow to being Michael's wife.  A calling is not a permanent fixture and is often multifaceted. 

As Michael and I processed this question from people we know well and love, and in light of Pastor Dave’s questions to us, we had some good conversations.  And as you know, many of our conversations take place over Facebook.  The following was written by Michael at around 4 am, while I was on the road to Kakamega, and he apparently couldn’t sleep.  We had been processing this just before he went to bed.  He wrote:

It's one thing to be prayed for and loved because you are Renita the missionary and people get excited by what God is doing and maybe even they live a little vicariously through you...

...but that is a role and a series of expectations, and though it is related to Renita that human being, Renita the "daughter of Eve" (in Narnian terms)... it is not the sum-total or Renita the human being.  And so...when you as Renita are seeking to obey God and work in Kenya or Liberia or Ghana or some place that takes a spin of the globe to find, then these friends are all there.  They DO care as Pastor Dave said, but they may also be engrossed by you in this role. They have been praying for you in this role, and often contributing financially for you in it too.

The truth is, they do care, but they may have merged Renita the person with Renita the missionary. They love stories of cultural juxtaposition, of trial, of gospel success...they are with you, toe to toe.

BUT...when that is threatened, that vision of you as missionary that they feel invested in...then they lose sight of Renita the woman! Renita the woman who like John the man or Anne the cancer patient or Theresa the widow, or whoever; and they have so invested in you in THAT role, more or less, that this is a bit of a threat. Michael is JUST a bookman...an editor...what has he to do with your calling. The calling they have loved you in and through but are now collapsing into you so they can't see where one ends (a calling) and where the rest of you begins (and there is much more).

Now...in fairness, this may be unfair to some of your friends and supporters. They do love you. If push comes to shove, they will pray for you. They may or may not financially support a change in calling, but that doesn't mean they don't love you.  It does mean that if their only or even primary reaction is "what about the calling" they have lost sight that Renita IS not the missionary or IS not the widow but simply IS...IS…IS in all its complexity. The woman, the Christian, the human being for whom all the God given desires and needs and hopes and dreams that run deep are also running deep. To be known and to know, to love and to be loved...these are deeply, deeply woven into our souls as each of us knows...

...and these parts of being you and me or just human are part and parcel of how God calls!!!

So that you discover a person in me you love and are loved by and want to marry...that is human...that is spiritual...that is calling...that is you.  And you are entering this part of life with an openness yet to God and where this might "lead"...and I think others will catch up. If given time.

I think that explains some of the "hot" reaction...because somehow YOU disappeared in some of these reactions to your news.

I know that some of my reactions have been to ask the questions, “Don’t I get to be happy?  Don’t I get to have a life outside of my work?  The people asking this are mostly married and living in the US – are they questioning themselves in the same way – or others who announce engagements?” 

To which Michael said,

Don't you get to be YOU...and doesn't God work in your life in ways that include a calling to the work you do but in other spheres of existence too...in other ways that you are Renita?  There is no good reason that God cannot lead you into marriage just as he lead you into Liberia...by a mix of impulses that make up the calling (one of Pastor Dave's points...and a good one).

[Do you see why I love this man?  How articulate and wise at 4 am!]

God has given me grace in the past to commit to callings that seemed impossible at the time.  I wondered if I could stay in Africa after Bob died, and then again, continuing in Africa without my children.  I asked you all for intercession for strength for me.  Thank you for praying for strength to stick it out and keep those commitments in the past.  Now I ask for prayer again to commit to a new marriage and to a future together as we figure out how to obey God’s voice together.  I see this as a tremendous challenge.  But God has seen me through previous challenges and you were there to walk with me.  Walk with me again.  And I also want to pray that you keep to your commitments and that you hear God call you to obey.   I especially pray for you who are married as you seek to follow that call together.  I find that being married or single, hearing and then obeying God’s voice takes more commitment power than I can muster from my own paltry resources.

I do believe God has called Michael and I to be together.  I do believe that He was the matchmaker.  So I do believe that He will bring good - maybe that good is just for Michael and I, maybe for our children, maybe for the Church at large...I don't know.  But I don't have to know.  He knows.  And that is good enough for me.

And by the way, just to remind you, my work will not change in 2014.  And my prayer is that I will continue to work with Business as Mission globally beyond 2015.  Some logistics may change, but that is what we are waiting on.

And next week, back to reporting about the work!