Remembering Bob three years later...March 20, 2010

Just one of the looks I miss - the one that looked right into your soul...

It's amazing how the heart, body, and mind seems to know and understand a significant date is approaching.  For the past few months, I have been doing great...better than I have in quite some time.  But the last few weeks, probably once March hit...I started crashing.  At first I couldn't figure out why I was down...then I put it down to feeling isolated during the election wait...but now I've figured out that while I knew in my head that March 20 was coming...my heart, body, and mind knew in a deeper way.

I took some time to reread my posts following Bob's death, one year later, and two years later. The first two and a half years were such a blur to me - so dark and confused.  Last year I wrote that I was homesick for me...that I hadn't felt like myself for two years and I believed that I would never be the same again.  And while it is true that I am not the same, I have seen a change in the last eight months, for which I am thankful.  Let me share with you some of the reasons behind the change.

It was about a year ago, when I finally decided to take on the challenge of Jesus being my husband  - He is described as such in Isaiah.  Isaiah 54:4-5 says, "You will...remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." There was definitely a reproach to my widowhood in Ghana, in large part because of the some of the cultural assumptions regarding widows.  That made my experience very different than if we had been in the US when Bob died.  Leaving Ghana, which was difficult because of my love for my friends, colleagues, and the work there, was also necessary for me to get out from under that sense of reproach.  Several people had talked to me about Jesus being my husband during the first two years, however my attitude was that I wanted Jesus to be my Savior and Bob to be my husband.   But with the crisis of self that I went through...along with becoming an empty-nester, feeling led to a career change, and moving to a new country...I finally came to a point where I told Jesus that I was open to accepting Him as my husband.  But I did stipulate that we would have to court first.  So I began to be intentional about exploring the idea of Jesus being my husband, and started having "dates" with Him.  And what happened was pretty amazing.  In the quote that I wrote from Jerry Sitszer last year, the last line said, "In the experience of loss, we come to the end of ourselves.  But in coming to the end of ourselves, we can also come to the beginning of a vital relationship with God."  The vitality in my relationship with Jesus is amazing; I have experienced true joy and peace at a level that I haven't known before. 

There are quite a number of stories that I could tell you about ways that Jesus has shown Himself to be my husband, but I will limit myself to just one - from this past Valentines Day.  While we lived in the US, Bob always gave me a dozen roses with one daisy each Valentines Day.  That tradition started on our first Valentines Day in 1990.  I was living in Toronto and the day before Valentines, he sent me one daisy, with a note that said, "Our love is simple and beautiful, like this daisy."  As our relationship was only about six weeks old, I thought, "Hmmm...interesting...one daisy...okaaaay."  The next day, Valentines Day, he sent me a dozen red roses, with a note that stated how that simple beauty has grown into an explosion of love.  If you didn't know Bob was a romantic, now you know!  The last time he gave me roses was in 2009, when we were stateside, in-between Liberia and Ghana.  I am ashamed to admit it but I didn't receive them well.  We had just returned from a land of great poverty, money was tight, and it was difficult to receive these roses, knowing how much they cost.  Bob was hurt...I felt bad...not a good Valentines Day. [Giving things was his love language ...unfortunately not mine...and I apparently hadn't thought through it that day before opening my mouth.]  Of course, I have wanted to redo that day many, many, many times since then.  Anyway, this past Valentines Day, I woke up and was "talking" to Bob, and I asked him if he had forgiven me yet...(of course he has) and if he were still on earth, would he try again to give me roses.  No answer.  So I said to Jesus, somewhat tongue in cheek, that as my new husband, I would be looking to see roses from Him today.  I then went on my way, not thinking twice about Valentines Day (the nice thing in Africa is that you aren't inundated with reminders of holidays at every turn!).

I went to Eldoret that day - about an hour and a half from Kitale, to visit the Reformed Institute for Theological Training.  They are on the other side of Eldoret, in a rural area, on a very bumpy dusty road.  At the end of the day, as we were leaving, we were advised to take another road on the way back - one that was not quite so bumpy.  We took that road and after driving for a bit, we saw ahead a number of greenhouses.  When we got closer, I was amazed to find out what type of fresh flower farm it was....roses.  I still get goosebumps when thinking about it.  Who would have thought....out in the middle of nowhere...on a dusty road in rural Kenya...on a road that we hadn't planned to travel on...on Valentines Day....I see maybe 15 or 20 huge warehouses of roses.  I was shocked.  And I imagine that Bob was watching....chuckling...and saying..."and it didn't cost a thing!"  And then I imagine Jesus chipping in, saying, "Well, it actually had a pretty high price for me...you know...the cross and all."

I can only imagine that the detour was arranged by Jesus for me that day.  That He would care enough about me to do that is amazing.  We serve a God who intimately cares about us and longs to be in relationship with us.  And I am so thankful and privileged to be in a relationship with Him!

Last year I posted the following video of our homes over the years, to the song Homesick by Mercy Me.  While I am grateful to God for His love, it doesn't change the fact that I still miss Bob.  I miss our daily conversations, our frequent debates about the mundane and the important, his wise input, his love and affirmation, his encouragement, his voice, his sense of humor, his cooking, his off-key singing, his touch, and so much more.  I have definitely been struggling with loneliness here...intense at times, but all within the context of knowing how blessed I am.  I do long to see Bob again and I do long for Heaven.  So I've decided to re-post this song of memories. 

 "Homesick" by Mercy Me
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now