The Messy Middle

 

When God created the world, 

He declared it to be good.  

And it was.

Then sin entered and it became not so good.  It became "all about me."  Messy.

Then Christ came, redeemed all things, and things got better

 - more hopeful -

but still messy.

And that is where we are today.

The Messy Middle.

Humans are called and created to work - to take the resources in this world and be fruitful with them - to be creative with them - to be creative as image-bearers of a very creative God.  

Working Christians are to operate in the messy middle, working on both creative and redemptive goals.  That is the task before us.  Christ has redeemed all things and we have been given the task of reconciliation.  We are Christ's ambassadors.  For those of us in the business world, our call is to continue to be creative and to be fruitful to meet the needs of the world as the population continues to increase and the world becomes a more global village.  We are to provide goods and services that will help individuals and families flourish.  As we figure out ways to meet those needs, we then need to multiply it so that more people can have access and flourish.  Be fruitful and multiply.

But we don't get to stop there, as we are also called to deal with the messy middle, to deal with the reconciliation that needs to take place:

• Reconciliation between man and the earth.  
• Reconciliation between man and man in the workplace.  
• Reconciliation between business and employees. 
• Reconciliation between business and society.
• Repentance from corruption, greed, poor ethics, poor quality, poor attitudes,and so much more.

Working with Christian business owners, their churches, and their pastors, to understand the role of business in reconciliation is also a messy work.  How do we engage the world on these issues?  Do I simply look at what I am doing, or do I have a responsibility "from field to fork to disposal?"

I heard a business woman from Western Kenya tell a story of finding a gap in the market for a by-product of sugar (Western Kenya produces a lot of sugar cane and manufactures it as well).  She had access to it and found a great demand in a different city.  They were willing to pick it up from her.  She was happily doing business.  Then one Saturday, the main customer who had been picking up the product, called her and asked her to deliver this one time as his vehicle had broken down.  She and her husband agreed and made the drive to the place.  Upon her arrival, she saw a broken down area, people staggering with drunkenness, and saw that it was a major producer for a type of alcohol made from this sugar by-product.  She felt sick when she realized that she had been the supplier for this.  And she made the decision to stop immediately.

Was that the right call?  Is she responsible for how people use her product?

What about this one?  There is a worldwide phenomenon called "glue children" - mostly street children who get addicted to a very cheap glue, made for furniture and shoes.  This addictive glue, when sniffed, makes the children feel happy, satisfied, less hungry, and less cold.  It does, however, cause brain damage.  The Minnesota-based US company, HB Fuller, a major supplier of this glue was asked to include a simple ingredient to the glue to make it unsniffable:  mustard seed oil.  Mustard seed oil is an irritant to the nose and would cause these children to stop sniffing.  HB Fuller refused, stating that it wasn't safe for their employees.  Safety measures could have been taken for them, but the reality is that HB Fuller stood to lose a lot of sales if all the children stopped sniffing daily.  It went to the Supreme Court and HB Fuller prevailed.  A documentary was done on the Glue Boys of Kitale, where I lived and work in Western Kenya.  A five minute clip of that documentary can be seen here:

Now, is HB Fuller obligated to change their product based on how it is being used, especially when it is being used in a different way than the owners designed?  Clearly, HB Fuller and the courts said no.

These cases may seem more obvious in terms of ethics.  But what about using plastic bags when selling products?  Selling water bottles or serving water in plastic bottles?  What about paper usage and trees?  Chemicals used on food? Wasting electricity and water?  And the questions go on.

We live and work in the messy middle.  We are called to be reconcilers.  But knowing how to be an agent of reconciliation is not easy and it is not always black and white.

That is why we need to talk about these things.  To share.  To encourage.  To disciple.

If we simply stay in the fruitful and multiply stage of work, and not engage reconciliation, we ignore a huge battlefield and may be negatively contributing to it, without even being aware of it.  Churches, let's engage our people, calling and equipping them to be agents of reconciliation!

Disciple To Purpose

Over the past three years, as I have moved the work of business development under the umbrella of the Church, I have had the opportunity to meet and talk with many, many pastors and church leaders. It is very clear to me that pastors and church leaders are passionate about transformation.  They long and desire to see people transformed, families transformed, communities transformed, and nations transformed for the glory of God.  But I am also beginning to learn of the challenges of transformation from within the church.  In order for transformation to take place, there needs to be knowledge and application.  In my interviews with churches, I am seeing multiple ways that the knowledge of transformation is being given:  through discipleship classes, marriage and parenting classes, evangelism classes, and so on.  The challenge comes in the application.

The formula again:  Transformation = Knowledge + Application.

In my recent visit to Kenya to find out about the application of the Discipling Marketplace Leaders ministry, we interviewed churches that had upwards of forty programs and departments. These churches are keeping their church members very busy in the church, going from class to committee to program.  It occurred to us that some churches keep their members so busy with gaining knowledge, that there is very little time or energy for application outside the four walls of the church.  I ran across this quote that underlined what we were observing: "The devil doesn't care if you go to church or read your Bible, as long as you don't apply it to your life."

The church needs to practice discipleship like Jesus. Jesus taught, but also sent his disciples out to proclaim and even bring the Kingdom of God. Discipleship is not merely about learning but also about transformation which comes through application. That is it's purpose - there has to be a practical outworking and application of the knowledge received in the teaching ministries of the church.  Discipleship without application is knowledge and keeping people busy, but doesn't lead to transformation.

Here are some calculations on our use of time during our key productive years from 20-65 years of age.  There is a total of 400,000 hours.  That time breaks down to 42% at work; 16% with family and friends; 33% sleeping; 5% eating; and 4% at church (based on 7 hours per week, which is generous).  The minority of our time is spent at church.  The majority of our time is spent at work, yet is rare to find a church discipling people to purpose in their place of work.  Instead we build a department for evangelism, rather than equipping people to being evangelists in their place of work.  We disciple people about how to read the Bible, but neglect to show how the Bible points to the Creation Mandate and how we should do our work in the workplace.  The sacred/secular split continues to be a wide gap, where people take off their "Christian" hat on Monday - Saturday, and replace it with their secular hat.  There has been little to no discipling to purpose for how we spend the majority of time in the world.  Yet, we have discipled people to purpose in terms of marriage, family, and church. 

Upon my return to Grand Rapids, Michael and I took a couple of days to ourselves, as is becoming our habit when we are separated for extended periods.  He took me to see the movie, "The Big Short," which is about the economic recession of 2008 (thumbs up on the movie - great cast).  It was amazing to see the overt greed and complacency of people involved in banking, housing, Wall Street, and real estate. It reminded me that this is what happens when we separate faith from our work.  When asked about some of the wrong-doing, several answered that it was "what everyone was doing."  The ripple effect of this greed hurt significant numbers of people in this country and beyond.  It underlined (with an exclamation mark!!!) the need for us as a Church to disciple to purpose.  We need people purposely resisting the temptations found in the Marketplace, with support, backing, equipping, and discipling by the Church. 

This is the work to which I believe God has called me to be an ambassador.  Discipling Marketplace Leaders is one aspect of where transformation can take place in businesses, with rippling effects to communities and nations.

One of the highlights of the recent trip to Kenya was signing a Memorandum of Understanding with CMS  (Connecting Mission Services Africa) with Rev. Dennis Tongoi.  I view Rev. Tongoi as one of the fathers of the Business as Mission movement and have great respect for him.  So for him to find usefulness in the Discipling Marketplace Leaders material and want to bring it to the churches with whom he works in Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania, Rwanda, South Sudan, Burundi, and the DR Congo is very exciting.  I look forward to learn even more about what he and his team learn as they roll this out.

Please pray with us for the churches who are starting this work.  There does seem to be a lot of spiritual warfare around this.  I don't think Satan does want us to figure out how to apply this in the workplace.  We need and covet your prayers for those pastors and churches applying this, as well as for those business people who are seeing themselves as Marketplace Ministers, representing Christ in their workplace. 

Feedback and Tweaks

DML Team at King Jesus in Bungoma, starting DML in April

When starting a new program, ongoing learning and listening is very important.  The Discipling Marketplace Leaders (DML) ministry is now three years old - the age of a toddler in many ways - and there is much to learn.  So I am in my third week in Kenya at this time, and have completed many hours of interviews to learn what is working and what is not.

Meeting with the DML cooperative in Kisumu

The exciting news is that in all the interviews with pastors who are implementing this work in their church, 100% have said that they have seen increases in the following three areas:  members, participation of business people in the ministry of the church, and giving.  That is exciting.  We heard testimony after testimony of members and pastors sharing how people are implementing various aspects of the quadruple bottom line in their business:  reaching out spiritually as Marketplace Ministers to people around them, socially to the community and employees, working to care for the environment, and growing economically.

It has also been interesting to see which pastors completely own this ministry as their own and are setting the pace and vision for how this ministry can grow, develop, and more forward. There is something called the "Innovation adoption curve" that shows the percent of people who can expect to run with a new product, those who join later, and those who are the laggards.  We clearly are seeing some of the innovators as well as some early adopters.  We want to be intentional to continue to learn from those early innovators for what works and what does not.  We are also seeing churches who are welcoming DML into their church but are not owning it for themselves.  Because it is difficult to have pastors come to Kitale for an eight day training on the theological foundation of Business as Mission (as we used to require), we are now introducing a two-day intensive training for pastors that will be offered in the various regions where we are working.  We hope that will increase the buy-in by the pastors and bishops of the various denominations.  The other challenge we have is that business people get this very quickly and want us to begin training yesterday.  But we need to hold off on their demands until we can get the church leadership on board, especially if we want this to be about discipleship and not just another program or training.

So, it's good...it's challenging...it's being open and flexible to God's leading as He continues to unfold how this ministry can be used to build His church. 

Dr. Walker with one of the many bishops with whom we met, who has planted 100 churches.

After working in Kenya for over three years, I finally had my first sighting of Lake Victoria, with two of my favorite brothers, Rev. Elly Kisala and Rev. Johnfred Ajwang

The obligatory flat tire on our way from Kisumu to Mumias, to meet with a Deliverance Church in Mumias

"Be the Captain of your own Crunch"

Bob-isms.  Those of us who knew Bob, heard many of them.

This Sunday,  March 20, it will be six years since Bob left us.  I received this thoughtful and beautiful email just a couple of weeks ago (and received permission to post it).

Hi Renita….my name is Rod Hoekert.   I believe I only met you one time when you and Bob were living in the Grand Rapids area (mid 90’s possibly?).  I was a resident assistant at Calvin College when Bob was my resident director…back in 1985/86.  I totally lost touch with Bob and I am so sad to come across his obituary and your blog (I googled him) regarding his death back in 2010.  I was in a bible study at church this morning and one of our challenges was to reach out to someone in your past who had a positive influence on our lives, specifically our spiritual lives.  I immediately thought of Bob and how much he helped me mature in my faith, specifically remembering back to a bible study (Ephesians) he lead for the 6 of us (RA’s) in the dorm.  I’ll always remember him being a lover of the Mac computer well before its time.  He had the greatest sense of humor and I’ll never forget some of his sayings such as “be the captain of your own crunch”….or all of the times he would ask to have a lick of someone’s ice cream cone and he’d bite off the bottom of the cone & hand it back to the shocked person.  He always made me laugh!

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell him thank you for everything….. before he left this earth but I’m sure he is hearing me now…I look forward to some day seeing him again.  I wanted you to know that he is not forgotten…that he was a special man…and just because he has been gone for nearly 6 years…that he is remembered in great ways!  I’m sorry I never got to know you or your children but I wanted you to know that I am praying for you all…especially as his anniversary (of his passing) is a couple weeks away.

Sincerely,

Rod Hoekert

In this email was a delightful Bob-ism that I hadn't heard before:  "Be the captain of your own crunch."   I love it!  And it made me start to wonder what other Bob-isms are out there that Hannah, Noah, and I don't know?  So let me ask those of you who knew Bob to send those to me at reedsinthewind@gmail.com so that we can enjoy them together.

Let me get you started with some of our favorites, to prod your memory:

• "Don't 'should' on yourself."
• "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with b*llsh %t."
• To Hannah:  "Silence the old hag in your head."
• "It's all about the war." (spoken in a low, Darth Vader type voice) 

The Problem with Entrepreneurship in Africa

I was sent this discouraging link by a friend...and unfortunately it makes a lot of sense. Can business development truly solve problems in Africa? According to this Kenyan, it can't. Read below and pray with me as I leave for Kenya on Wednesday to continue working toward business development under the umbrella of the church.

Ory Okolloh explains why Africa can’t entrepreneur itself out of its basic problems

Written by Lily Kuo

Africa Innovators

September 15, 2015

One of Kenya’s best known tech investors Ory Okolloh has thrown cold water on the push for entrepreneurship and innovation on the continent. “You can’t entrepreneur around bad leadership, we can’t entrepreneur around bad policy,” Okolloh said, criticizing what she called the “fetishization” of entrepreneurship and neglect of fundamental problems hampering African countries. “There is growth in Africa but Africans are not growing,” she said echoing earlier comments she has made.

Speaking at the Quartz Africa Innovator’s summit yesterday, (Sept 14), Okolloh said:

“I’m concerned about what I see is the fetishization around entrepreneurship in Africa. It’s almost like it’s the next new liberal thing. Like, don’t worry that there’s no power because hey, you’re going to do solar and innovate around that. Your schools suck, but hey there’s this new model of schooling. Your roads are terrible, but hey, Uber works in Nairobi and that’s innovation.

During the Greek bail out, no one was telling young Greek people to go and be entrepreneurs. Europe has been stuck at 2% or 1% growth. I don’t see any any entrepreneurship summit in Europe telling them you know, go out there and be entrepreneurs. I feel that there’s a sense that oh, resilience and you know, innovate around things—it’s distracting us from dealing with fundamental problems that we cannot develop.

We can’t entrepreneur our way around bad leadership. We can’t entrepreneur our way around bad policies. Those of us who have managed to entrepreneur ourselves out of it are living in a very false security in Africa. There is growth in Africa, but Africans are not growing. And we have to questions why is there this big push for us to innovate ourselves around problems that our leaders, our taxes, our policymakers, ourselves, to be quite frankly, should be grappling with.

… I think sometimes we are running away from dealing with the really hard things. And the same people who are pushing this entrepreneurship and innovation thing are coming from places where your roads work, your electricity works, your teachers are well paid. I didn’t see anyone entrepreneur-ing around public schooling in the US. You all went to public schools, you know, and then made it to Harvard or whatever. You turned on your light and it came on. No one is trying to innovate around your electricity power company. So why are we being made to do that? Our systems need to work and we need to figure our s*#t out.”

[http://qz.com/502149/video-ory-okolloh-explains-why-africa-cant-entrepreneur-itself-out-of-its-basic-problems/]

From Darkness Into Light

Almost as suddenly as the darkness of burnout came, it seems to have mostly left.  A couple of weeks ago, I had several brief glimpses of "normal" Renita again, which I experienced with great joy and relief.  And from that time forward, the "normal" Renita seems to be emerging more and more.

What caused the darkness to go?  Nothing significant changed in my circumstances.  This entire burn out has been a bit of a mystery to me, both in how and why it came, as well as how and why it left.  There definitely seems to be a spiritual component to it.  But either way, I'm very thankful.  I was beginning to despair that I would feel normal again, and people were indicating to me that it could take up to two years.

One thing that did help came in the form of a gift from a friend to utilize a service called Corporate Psychologists out of Minnesota, whose goal is to assess and measure talent data, for the purposes of turning that data into action.  I took hours of tests and then had the fun of hearing the results; it was especially fun because the assessments were objective (based on tests and interviews) and were being done by strangers who had no vested interest in telling me one thing or another.  There were some things that I knew, and some surprises, but overall it was very affirming and did help explain some of what happened to me which led to the burnout.  Some of the things that were articulated to me is that I am a very values-driven leader (most of my important life decisions have been made around values) and I am entrepreneurial.  Being described as an entrepreneur was affirming as that is who I mostly work with, and yet having worked in non-profits most of my life, was not something that I would have described in myself.  But it does make sense, as I am pretty constantly problem-solving, looking for opportunities to improve ministry, and then work to turn that into action, turn it over to nationals, and then continue to seek new ways to improve in new contexts.  They said I have a pretty high need for variety, have a very independent streak (should be no surprise to my mother), and should consider more lateral movements within an organization instead of upward movement as I will get bored quickly with maintaining work and bureaucratic work.

As much as my tests came back with lots of positives, some of the interesting discussions about being a leader came in the form of acknowledging that for every strength a person has, for every gift or talent that a person has been given by his/her Maker, there is a shadow.  It's good to know what our strengths are, but it is equally good to know the shadow of that strength, and how that particular strength might effect (both positively and negatively) the people around us.  For me, there was real value in looking at that, in terms of past, present, and future.


I'm happy to say that this emergence means that my passion is coming back for the work I was doing.  I leave March 9 for Kenya for three weeks, during which time I will continue the work of exploring the growth of Discipling Marketplace Leaders in the Churches in Western Kenya, interviewing pastors and church leaders, as well as do some networking and workshops.

The goal for Discipling Marketplace Leaders in 2016 is to continue to do vision casting to see where the seeds might take root and grow.  In May we will be doing presentations in Ethiopia, June will be back in Egypt, September to India, November to Nigeria, and somewhere in the middle of those months will be back to Ghana.  We also hope to start DML with a church in the US and will be exploring opportunities with those churches who express interest in starting a business ministry for their church members.

I need to remember not to rush back into busyness and "what's next" mode but remember the lessons learned during this time and be faithful in applying them.  Thank you for your prayers during this time, as well as the words of encouragement. 

Is Shame So Bad?

[The last time I wrote, I shared about my burn out.  Many of you have encouraged me to continue writing about this as it speaks to a silent challenge that many leaders go through.  So I will share more about my personal process in this blog.]

Those of you who know me well, know that I have struggled with guilt most of my life.  A friend and prayer partner recently told me that I suffer from more Calvinist guilt than anyone he knows.  Guilt says, "I'm not doing enough."  The response to guilt is to do more - to fix it.

Guilt gets a pretty bad rap.  We hear people say, "Don't make me feel guilty!"  But guilt is actually a pretty useful emotion. We are created to be social beings and guilt informs us of how our behavior and actions impact others as well as ourselves.  Guilt encourages us to examine those behaviors and make amends or fix where necessary.  Because of guilt, we may make better decisions in the future, and experience more joy in ourselves and as well as with the people around us.

But shame is another matter.  In shame, we drop the word "doing" from, "I'm not doing enough" to simply, "I'm not enough."  In shame, there is no longer a behavior to be fixed but a deeply flawed person who stands at the center, seemingly unfixable.

I have realized that a large part of what happened to me that led to my burnout was flipping from guilt to shame.  With guilt, I still had the potential to fix by simply working harder and doing more.  But with shame, there was a hopelessness - I am not enough and I can't fix it no matter how hard I work.  I'm not enough as a step-mother, as a new wife, as an Executive Director, as a fundraiser, as a writer, as a ministry leader, and so on.  I am failing and the problem is me. 

This has been an important realization for me.  Going from such a high note of being so passionate about my ministry in September, all the way down to feeling nothing in December, had a few people (including myself) wondering about a spiritual warfare component to this.  I do believe that is/was the case; Satan has tried to use guilt most of my life, and it didn't take too much for me to allow shame to incapacitate me.

But as I've pondered this over the past few weeks, I'm wondering if shame really is such a bad thing?  The truth is, I am not enough.  The truth is, I've been blessed with gifts and talents that have allowed me to have impacts; and as those impacts grew, I rested more on what the Father gave me as tools, then on the Father himself.  But I am not enough.  It's only through Christ that I can have the courage to stand and do anything in His name on any given day.

My head "knew" this.  I had mouthed these words all my life.  I "knew" that God didn't need my help - that it was a privilege to join Him in His work.  But my heart just received a serious wake up call.  I really can't be all things to all people.  I really do have to rest and lean and cling to Him.  I am not enough.

The important thing with shame is to recognize the truth of who we are with all of our vulnerabilities and flaws, but not stay in that helpless and hopeless state.  We need to move from the recognition of shame to the celebration of who we are in Christ.  That's not an easy move but it's one that I'm beginning to make, which is making me appreciate the role of shame.  In some ways I want to hold on to it in order to be more humble and more God-reliant than ever before.

Mary Oliver writes a poem called "The Journey" in which she describes what sounds like a journey from burnout.  She describes the need and the challenge of turning away from crying voices who say they need you, and as you do, this happens:

The Journey
One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice - 
though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
"Mend my life!" each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.  You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations - 
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little, as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds
and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own 
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, 
determined to do the only thing you could do - determined to save the only life you could save.

The new voice that I am recognizing is the voice of a made-in-the-image-of-God-yet-sinful-and-fallen-and-saved Renita who better understands herself and her shortfalls, but also understands and appreciates better that she is not enough.  The new voice recognizes the importance of dependence on Christ for my salvation.

If you are experiencing anything of what I am expressing, you may want to check out some of these resources:

• Ted Talk:  Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability 
• Ted Talk:  Brene Brown, Listening to Shame 
• Pastor Dave recommends The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson (I haven't read it yet)
• Wholeheartedness:  busyness, exhaustion and healing the divided self by Chuck DeGroat

Oops

One of the things that I have said a number of times, often in response to people who said I was strong for living in Africa, is that I actually don't feel like I'm strong enough to live in the US and be who God expects me to be.  In the US, I find that it is very difficult to keep perspective on life, and I found that people in the US seem to be very unhappy - often isolated and full of self-pity, despite being in one of the wealthiest nations on earth.  I know that one of the things I appreciate in Africa is the very strong sense of community and joy in life; I can't feel sorry for myself for a minute in Africa without seeing someone worse off than me, who yet has a smile on their face.  There is a greater sense of inner peace and joy in many people I have encountered in West and East Africa, than in North America.

And yet one year after moving back to the US, despite continuing my work in Kenya and starting in Egypt and Ghana, I find myself burned out, exhausted, isolated, and depressed.  Oops.

To make matters worse, I have always thought that burnout is irresponsible on behalf of the person who burns out.  Just as being busy is an excuse and a sign that we need to take better control of our schedule, burning out is a sign that the person wasn't paying attention to boundaries, wasn't doing self-care, was relying on self more than on God, and so on.  Oops again.

It hit on September 11, although the significance of that date had nothing to do with it.  On September 10, I took my last oral exam for my MBA, and on September 11, I was sitting in an airport on my way to Ghana and it hit hard.  I felt like I was done.  I had no strength.  I didn't care about what happened next.  I quickly recognized that this could be burn out and did the typical "Renita" thing next - I set out to fix it.  For the next three months, I tried to fix it, to deny it, to remedy it, but not to recognize the significance of it.  On December 11, after seeing a counselor and my doctor, I was told in no uncertain terms that I was burned out.  And I was.  The problem was that in those three months, I had burned through the last little reservoir of strength left, and I felt completely devoid of any will, desire, or passion.  The "What next?" world that I lived in my entire life, became "I don't care" which is an unusual and scary place for me.

People seem to be a bit confused about what burnout is, so let me define it here.  Burnout is not depression, it is not stress, it is not frustration with a job.  Burnout will not be cured with a week off.

Definition:  Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, you begin to lose the interest or motivation that led you to take on a certain role in the first place. Burnout reduces your productivity and saps your energy, leaving you feeling increasingly helpless, hopeless, cynical, and resentful. Eventually, you may feel like you have nothing more to give.

The difference between stress and burnout:  Burnout may be the result of unrelenting stress, but it isn’t the same as too much stress. Stress, by and large, involves too much: too many pressures that demand too much of you physically and psychologically. Stressed people can still imagine, though, that if they can just get everything under control, they’ll feel better.  Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough. Being burned out means feeling empty, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring. People experiencing burnout often don’t see any hope of positive change in their situations. If excessive stress is like drowning in responsibilities, burnout is being all dried up. While you’re usually aware of being under a lot of stress, you don’t always notice burnout when it happens.

There are lots of reasons that I could list as to what led to the burnout, but I think I underestimated the impact of the stress of moving back to the US after living ten years in Africa.  Culture shock was more real than I expected, especially as I merged households with a family who had never lived in Africa.  I also know that taking on the role of being the Executive Director of ICM-USA, not as a response to a calling but as a response to filling a need, was more than I bargained for especially given what I was already facing in terms of challenges.  Because of that, I have made the difficult decision to resign from that position and try to focus on finding my passion again for Discipling Marketplace Leaders.  Right now my dream job is to be a school crossing guard - doing meaningful work to keep children safe, but limited social interaction, defined responsibilities, an actual paycheck rather than raising funds, and an end to the task at the end of a day.

I have been humbled by what has happened to me.  I feel guilty about it and saddened by it.  I am scared that the passion will not come back.  I wish I had been wiser and not so self-reliant.  But my head also understands that I am forgiven by a gracious God (my heart still needs some convincing).

Last week I did feel like I received a message from God.  I have been receiving daily devotional emails from a Marketplace Ministry called "TGIF" (Today God is First) for about three years now.  I read them faithfully the first year, about half the time the second year (they repeat the same emails), and not so much this past year.  But the title of one last week caught my eye, "Move On" with the text from Exodus 14:15, "Why are you crying out to Me?  Tell the Israelites to move on."  Moses and the Israelites were up against the Red Sea with Pharoah and the Egyptians coming behind them.  God's response was telling them to move on - as in, keep moving - take the next step - even though scared, anxious, not knowing how, and so on.  I thought to myself that that is what I need to do as well.  Move on.  Be obedient in what I know.  God is good at closing doors and if He wants to close the door on my ministry, He will do so.  But for now I need to move on despite my impulse to flee.  The day after receiving this email, TGIF made the first mistake that I have seen them make in three years:  they sent out the same email again.  Several hours later they sent out apologies for their error with the proper email for that day.  But to me, it didn't feel like an error.  It felt like God was underlining the message for this hard-hearted follower:  Move on.  Just as God was frustrated with the Israelites in this passage who lamented ever leaving Egypt in the first place, this daughter of Yahweh, who just four months ago was so excited and passionate about this ministry and now wants to quit everything, is hearing the Father say both lovingly and firmly, "Move on." 

And so, I am moving on.  I will work out of obedience, and trust for passion to come back.  I have been blessed with a supportive husband, loving children, and a compassionate boss who are encouraging me to take the time I need to recover.  I do apologize and seek forgiveness from my colleagues in this work as well as supporters of the ministry for this stumble.  Please pray with me for God's will to be done.

And now for something lighter: From Noah

My son and my mom

My 20 year old son Noah, currently a senior at Calvin College, worked this past summer on the grounds at Calvin.  He came home one day and said a story had been mulling in his brain all day.  He went upstairs and about thirty minutes later sent me the story that you can read below.  This is a creative view of a pre-creation story, as imagined by a young man in the Star Trek/Star Wars era.  I love my son and how God weaves creativity and imagination in each of us!  Enjoy!

Hello reader. If this has fallen into your hands than I can only assume all has gone as planned and humanity has begun to put itself back together. If that is true there is something you must know about the history of our civilization and the truth about what you have been taught.

Humanity was once a great power. After we conquered and expanded across the depths of our home world, we looked to the stars for new territory. We had the technology to do so and in our arrogance we assumed that because we could, therefore we must. We sent probes and ships all over the galaxy and it was not long before we first encountered a species outside of our own. For the first time in decades we had a new focus. A whole other civilization, with technology vastly superior to our own. They were peaceful in nature, not prone to war, a civilization without any sort of weaponry. We conquered them easily.

In hindsight I recognize our mistakes. It is shameful how many of us thought nothing of squashing this peaceful civilization and taking their technology for our own. We just wanted power and our pride blinded us to the concept of repercussions. We amassed armies with the resources from the planet we wrongfully stole, and built great ships. Monuments to our invincibility…or so we thought. We discovered several other planets with life and quickly dispatched them, seizing their land for our own. Some resisted but our military might proved unstoppable. We kept pushing farther into the depths of space, searching for more to discover, more to conquer. It was then that for the first time we were discovered. A galactic tribunal made up of alien species that had existed since long before humanity first climbed out of the evolutionary pools. They held us (rightfully) accountable for the destruction of the many innocent species that we crushed underfoot. We were deemed unfit for continuation in the galaxy, “too dangerous and volatile” to be allowed to continue our exploration. War was declared; humanity was to be wiped from the galaxy. 

We were determined not to go down without a fight. With all of our ships, our weapons and military power we were certain there was no way these Others, as they were called by us, could ever challenge us! But we were wrong. We were quickly destroyed and pushed back out of every system we conquered until all that remained was Earth. I remember the flashes of light still in the sky as the last of our mighty ships fell to pieces and crumbled down to Earth. They came down in pillars of fire, using their knowledge of terraforming to cause the very earth beneath us to give way. We begged for mercy at this point, vowing to never enter the skies again. They responded sadly, saying that we would never learn. Our race was never taught the proper lessons and was too set in our ways. I wish I could say they were wrong. 

It was at this point that I stepped forward. I made one final plea to the Others. I showed them our history, our culture and our passions. I made the case for humanity’s potential…for YOUR potential, dear reader. For while my case won them over enough to where they agreed to not wipe our species from existence, their condition was that humanity would need a clean slate. A fresh start. A beginning where they could teach humanity all about this concept of love and care that we had never known. Humanity would need to begin again; all remnants of our previous civilization destroyed and scattered. They would send their leader, whose name I can only loosely translate to you as Yhwh, (as it is called in their tongue. The pronunciation is difficult to be written), to do this through writing. Yhwh would watch carefully over humanity. Determined to teach us the ways necessary for harmonious survival in our universe, it would start a book, starting with a parable the fall of man due to their arrogance, using myself as an example for all other humans to look upon. They…or should I say you, will see the mistakes I made. This Other being will stay with humanity, acting from a distance. It will disguise itself as something different, a creator as it were. It will remain here, ensuring our survival, protecting us, and guiding us in the hopes that humanity can find love and peace. As we become more self-sufficient Yhwh has assured me that it will step back and allow us to decide what path to take. But make no mistake; there was a time where we did not truly know love. Do not ignore the teachings that the Others have offered you. The Earth has been around for much longer than their book would say as has humanity. The Book details your creation but really what it details is humanities rebirth. Soon their terraforming will be complete and Earth will be habitable again. I will be deposited without any memory of any of this and will be charged with the recreation of our race.

My name is Adam. In my world I was a historian, a guardian of the annals. However to you I will most likely be known as the First of our Kind. You will have been told I have caused all the pain and suffering our race has endured, but you have been told a tale. The snake was our hubris- the tree of knowledge of good and evil; our thirst for exploration. Humanity was given a second chance, human. We failed the first time because of our pride. We will not be given a third chance. Make use of the chance you were graciously handed and ensure that you do not follow the path we did.

"A Problem For Every Solution"

Some of the pastors and the MELTI team in Cairo

Since beginning my work in Egypt, I have heard several Egyptians say that Egyptian pastors have "a problem for every solution."  I certainly know that there are people in the world who are like that - glass half empty people, as they are sometimes called - but I wondered whether this was more a statement of frustration than actuality.

I can't say that I've come up with an answer for the veracity of this comment.  Two visits to Egypt can't reveal that type of information.  But I have made an observation of some of the differences of pastors that I have encountered in Egypt, versus Kenya, Ghana, or North America.  The message of Discipling Marketplace Leaders was not received in the same way in Egypt as in these other places.  Egyptian pastors seemed to react defensively and stated that their relationship with their business people was very healthy, despite the very verbal anger and frustration heard from Egyptian Christian business people toward the Church.  There seemed to be a lack of willingness toward self-reflection on the part of the pastors.

This could be explained by the fact that the Church in Egypt is 2000 years old, as compared to the relatively young Church of Sub-Saharan Africa. Age and precedent can make thinking "outside the box" more difficult.

The narrow streets of Cairo.

But there were also a number of "problems" that were brought up for every solution.  Some of those problems listed below are quotes from the pastors as they processed whether Discipling Marketplace Leaders was a ministry that could work in their church:

• "If I start working with business people, people will think I'm just after their money - both the business people as well as other pastors."
• "The business people in my church will not tell me anything, even if I visit them.  They will think I am only there for their money."
• "Pastors are absolutely forbidden to get involved in business."
• "Work is part of the curse."
• "It takes too long to change the mindset of people."
• "Business people have no time to meet with us."

You can see a challenge here.  Rather than viewing themselves as the leader of the Church, and the under-shepherd to the people, the pastors seem to present themselves as victims of the culture and victims of their members.   This may be a result of what has been describe to me as part of a "siege mentality," which is more of a position of "we are under attack" and therefore walled off.  A siege mentality may include a sense of not being able to think or plan too far ahead as the future is so uncertain.  A siege mentality can show itself in defensiveness and victimization.  Wikipedia describes a siege mentality as a "collective state of mind whereby a group of people believes themselves constantly attacked, oppressed, or isolated in the face of negative intentions of the rest of the world....the result is a state of being overly fearful of surrounding peoples, and an intractably defensive attitude."

An outdoor restaurant with a proud server.

I think we sensed that in Egypt.  By the end of our trainings we were left with a remnant of pastors who seemed to understand the need of Christian business people and be open to going to next steps. But the response was underwhelming compared to the overwhelming responses that we've seen in other places.

What does that mean for the work of Discipling Marketplace Leaders?  That is something I have been processing for the past week.  I think it means a couple of things.  First of all, the Church in Egypt needs our prayers.  Working in a Muslim majority, having undergone several revolutions, with threats around from Muslim extremists is challenging enough.  But some of the hidden threats come from within - a deep seated fear that has paralyzed church leaders, or positioned them in such a stance of defensiveness that they are unable to hear truth, even when presented it by their own members.

Secondly, I think it means that the need is even more present in Egypt than in the areas that are so readily willing and able to run with this ministry.  Sure, it's easier to work with those who "get it" immediately.  Sure, it's easy to say that we should "shake the dust off our feet" if not experiencing a great welcome.  But that is surely not what we are called to do as Christians when it comes to building the Church.  We are called to preach, to teach, to equip.  We are called to pursue, just as we have been pursued by Christ.  It is for us to be obedient and leave the results up to God.

While I was on my last visit, I learned that only 3% of the land in Egypt is used.  The rest is deemed "wasteland."  The picture shows the dry land just outside of Cairo where one of conference centers was located.  It is incredible to me that only 3% of one million square kilometers is used by 82 million people.  As we traveled from Cairo to Minya, you could see the miles of desert stretching for miles.  This is not a land where people have historically had a "problem for every solution."  This is a land where people have historically found a solution for every problem. 

After snapping the picture above, I turned and snapped another one.  This one caught the sun rising, along with a bird.  I didn't try to catch those - I just got lucky.  But it reminded me of life and work and ministry - like the dry land, it can seem challenging and even hopeless - full of problems and lacking solutions.  But the tenacity of people, the inherent beauty of the earth, along with the gifts provided from God that are surprising, can make it beautiful.  We lift our eyes and keep going.  We keep trying.  And we trust God to bring the joy, restoration, and beauty.

In this time of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for each of you who continue to pray for this work.   Please continue to pray with me to be people who see solutions to problems, rather than problems to every solution.