College Blog, by Hannah

(written on Wednesday, November 16, 2011)

I have been at Calvin College for about three months now.  It has been a whirlwind of classes, socializing, and homework...lots of homework.  Adjusting to everything at once - the climate, the US, the college atmosphere, more independence - has not been easy.  But through the chaos, I have seen God's blessing.  I am constantly exhausted, but I have seen His promise come alive.  No, I'm not miraculously alert and awake at 8 am when I got four hours of sleep, but He takes care of me.  It's all in the details.

My third or fourth week of class, I woke up at 7 am as always, but fell back asleep by accident.  I was exhausted, and could have easily slept through all four of my classes that morning.  But for some reason, I wok up half an hour later, at 7:30 am.  There was no sudden noise, no sudden light popped on, nothing to jerk me awake.  I just woke up, in just the right amount of time to get dressed, brush my teeth, make myself semi-presentable, and rush out the door.  Thank you God.

I had to pull an all-nighter a week or two ago.  A friend of mine was having some medical issues, so I stayed up with her until 5 am.  I then decided it was pointless to try and go to sleep because I would only get about an hour and a half before waking up for my 8 am Philosophy class.  That amount of sleep is just the right amount to make me exhausted and drowsy for my class, so I just stayed up.  I dozed off for about 45 minutes, got some stuff done, and then went to breakfast with a friend who stayed up with me.  I was bracing myself for a day of difficulty and exhaustion, but then saw on my French syllabus that we didn't have class on that day.  It is the only French class that is cancelled this semester, on the day that I needed it so badly.  So I got done with classes an hour early and was able to take a nap for an hour and a half.  Thank you Father.

Yesterday, my day was packed.  I had work, homework, and Gospel Choir for two hours in the evening and was exhausted (are you sensing a theme with this word?   Yeah, college is definitely as much work as they say).  I had to stay up until around one, because of a paper due today, a quiz, and homework for French.  I got up at 6:30 am, as I've recently begun to go for a quick run in the mornings - every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, hoping thatt the exercise will both wake me up and keep me in shape.  Today is a super busy day, so I was stressed about getting only fie hours or so of sleep.  Then all of a sudden, my Communication and Culture class is cancelled, as well as my French small group, giving me two extra, unexpected hours in my day.  Thank you Lord.

Lately, I am really seeing God working in the small things of my life.  An extra hour of sleep, an extra hour to study, the blessing of friends on a rough day, peace over a stressful event.  He works in all things if we give it to Him.  Too often I get caught up in the frustration and forget that He is there saying, "I am here.  I will fight this battle for you.  You do not have to deal with this by yourself.  Give it to me, I am so much more able to handle these details and love you enough to take these burdens from you." He doesn't take everything from me, but He keeps me from drowning.  He doesn't have to move a mountain to be working and He doesn't have to send a lightening bold for me to see Him.  I just have to adjust my sight.

This is me, dancing with a friend at Calvin's Ballroom Dance Club.  It is always so much fun.  Here, we are doing the Hustle, but we have also learned the tango, the cha-cha, and we will be learning the salsa after Thanksgiving.  I love it.

Eating healthy at Calvin:  This is Nate, eating a milkshake (ice cream, chocolate milk, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream).  We were hanging out on Sunday at dinner.

Chaos Day, where dorms compete against each other:  Everyone dresses in the dorm costume.  This year, Noordewier Vanderwerp (NVW - my dorm) was Pirates of the Caribbean; an adjacent dorm, Beets-Veenstra, was Peter Pan; Shultze-Eldersveld was Braveheart, etc.  It was awesome but crazy.  Lots of games, lots of cheering, and hanging out.

This is me, at a computer in the basement of my dorm.  My "cave".  "My"computer.  I am wearing the dorm t-shirt, Pirates of NVW.

This is Grace and I.  Grace is an awesome friend and in several of my classes.  We are again engaging in healthy college eating, with our Oreo cake (white frosting, chocolate cake, Oreo crumbs on the sides and an Oreo on the top).  Yummy.  Very enjoyable :).

On to Liberia

On Friday, November 11, I will be departing Ghana for Liberia, along with Rick Slager, who has been working with Hopeline Institute for the past two weeks.  We will be joined there by Dr. Todd DeKryger, who works as a senior scientist with Nestle in Fremont, MI, and specializes in many agronomy fields, especially pest management.  We will be spending our time visiting farms, conducting workshops for farmers, and working on LEAD's research farm.  (For more information on the research farm, please visit www.leadinliberia.org.  There are some exciting things happening there!)  In addition, I will be performing audits on the various LEAD county offices, checking in with staff and interns, working with LEAD's board on strategic planning for 2012, and visiting some old friends in Thinkers Village.


This week has been one of careful monitoring of the situation in Liberia, with the run-off election on Tuesday.  On Monday there was a large protest which broke down into some violence, but election day did proceed peacefully.  There was a very low turnout of around 37% (the turn-out for the first round was just over 70%).  Speculations are that the low turnout is because many people assumed President Sirleaf would win, however since her opposition decided to boycott the election, some people supporting Tubman decided not to turn out either.  They will be announcing the results in the next few days; early predictions have President Sirleaf at around 90% and Winston Tubman at 9%.

Introduction of farmers to the concept of hoop houses.

It is exciting to have Rick Slager here in Ghana and soon in Liberia again.  Rick leads the program called the Rural Empowerment Initiative (www.ruralempowermentinitiative), serving small holder farmers in West Africa, through Partners Worldwide.  The focus of this trip to Ghana was to visit the agricultural members of Hopeline, to see the challenges facing the farmers, to get a sense of the market demand, and to work alongside several farmers in erecting a hoophouse next to the Hopeline office.  This hoophouse will be used for demonstrating the effectiveness of this structure in tripling yield, as well as reducing the need for pesticides, chemicals, and herbicides.

Mosquito netting provides ventilation and bug protection.

Nicholas (right), farmer & owner of hoophouse.

I have included some pictures of the building of the hoophouse - this particular one was build for about $800 US, with all materials being found in country. This hoophouse will be "sold" to one of Hopeline's members, Nicholas, who will be using it for growing tomatoes.  We expect that his loan will be able to be paid off in 120 days (after one harvest), even though the Nicholas will be given a year to pay it back.   Hoophouses are great because they help to control the amount of water a plant gets, as well as the way in which the water comes; it protects from the sun, allowing in the rays that are good for the plant and keeping out the UV rays; the hoophouse is lined along the bottom and on both ends with mosquito netting which is buried into the ground, which helps to keep out many pests; there is a drip irrigation system that delivers the appropriate amount of water to the root of the plant, which can also be hooked up to a fertilizer drip to make sure that each plant gets enough fertilizer.  Nicholas will be mentored by Rick as well as Cynthia, the SME coordinator for Hopeline.  We hope to be able to prove the effectiveness of this in the next year and improve on local resources to make this even more affordable for farmers.

Rick and the construction crew - a job well done!

Update on Bob's work

How cool is that - to give an update on Bob's work, nineteen months after his death.  I have been so struck by the number of people who have been impacted by his life and his words, even if the encounters were only brief.  So in light my recent reflections on what would have been our 21st wedding anniversary, I thought I would pass on some of the continuing work of Bob, beyond our family.  Included in this blog are some pictures of him that didn't make it to the blog.

From Nigeria, Mary Crickmore (West Africa Director for CRWRC) wrote on October 29,

Bob, dancing in the Market - they loved him!

Yesterday I heard a wonderful testimony of the lasting impact of Bob Reed's work here in Nigeria.  Just before Bob left here after his 2010 trip he gave Gideon Gogo of Beacon of Hope the notes from the Justice workshop he had just presented.  He decided to give it to Gideon on a UBS drive just as he was leaving for the airport instead of sending it by email later.  Now that material is being published by Beacon of Hope, incorporated into their new Justice manual which came out of their motivation and insight following Bob's workshop.

We want to express our condolences to the Chomock family and the West Africa Ministry team of CRWRC with Zakka's death on October 29.  Zakka was another passionate warrier for justice and I'm sure he has left a powerful legacy as well.

This past August, I met with the head of a foundation and she asked about my family. When I told her about Bob, she asked if I had a picture of him.  I showed her one and she said, "I think that's the man who saved my family!" Bob had only met with her and her husband once, but what he had said was so important for the situation that they were dealing with, that it changed the course of their family.  She later wrote the following to me in an email:

I talked to the person who recommended that counselor for us so many years ago and it was indeed your husband Bob. He was a youth pastor that also remembers word for word some advice Bob gave him. My husband remarked that when someone speaks those kinds of memorable, time- tested recommendations they have a gift of giving words of wisdom, like Solomon did when the two mothers each claimed the child was hers. Your husband has a great legacy.

From Joe Kuilema, professor at Calvin College,in the Social Work department, sent me the following email on August 30:

The partnership team of Calvin, Kuyper, and Mother Patern.

Kristen, Rachel and I just returned from a whirlwind five days in Liberia.  We attended the pinning ceremony for nurses, lab techs, and social workers at Mother Patern, as well as the larger Stella Maris Polytechnic graduation ceremony.  It was a blessing to be able to attend, and see the first generation of professional social workers in Liberia graduate.  At their pinning ceremony, a spokesperson for the class referred to them as the "Pioneers" and I think that sums up the situation well. 

Bob teaching the first class of students in the BSW program.

We also wanted to write you to let you know that at the ceremony, Joseph Kpukuyou had the audience observe a moment of silence for Bob, recognizing that none of this would have happened had he not initiated it. 

Andy Ryskamp, the Director of CRWRC, met with me shortly after Bob's death and assured me that the Bob's passion for Social Justice would continue in the organization.  I asked him recently if he could update me on how that was going, and this is what he wrote on October 6:

The work of CRWRC is slowly coming under more of a justice theme. I am sending a draft of our current plan and hopefully it comes through in it. But here are some bullet points.

   - As communities mature we are working with them to focus on systemic issues they encounter as bottlenecks to their development

   - At country levels we are partnering with Micah Challenge to focus on anti-corruption/transparency

   - We are emphasizing peace and reconciliation training for staff

   - We have a justice cluster focused on advancing the justice initiatives and sharing learnings throughout CRWRC.

   - CRWRC has staff linked in to the Office Of Social Justice so that the CRC can do effective advocacy on issues related to world hunger

- Over 100 churches have participated in advocacy with us over the past year.

There are so many more stories that people have shared with me - especially those whom he counseled - either his words helped to save their marriage, save their life (from suicide), prevent a marriage that would have been disastrous, etc.  I know we would all like to believe that our work will make a difference and carry on after we pass, but for many of us it doesn't happen.  I'm thankful that the God-given gifts of Bob's are carrying on.  I wonder if Bob would be surprised. 

Bob always had a child around him...

...or a sick appendage...

...or an animal...

...even if they couldn't get in his arms.

Soul Survivor

Weather:  Last week brought unusual rains to Accra for this time of year, resulting in serious flooding in various places.  At least thirty persons died as a result of these floods.  Sunday night brought heavy rains again.

This week, the Building Bridges team from Madison Square Church in Grand Rapids, MI is visiting with us in Accra, and then will travel to Liberia. To see more about their visit, click here.

This summer, I happened across a book on my mother's bookshelf.  It was by an author whom I enjoy so I asked if I could borrow it.  The name of the book is Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey.  The subtitle of the book is, "How Thirteen Unlikely Mentors Helped My Faith Survive the Church."  In this book, Yancey says, "I have spent most of my life in recovery from the church."  This is not something that you would expect to read from such an acclaimed Christian author, and although I don't necessarily identify with that statement, it does resonate with me on a deep level.  Since God took hold of me in 1997, I have been in a non-stop wrestling match to understand Him, the church, His people, myself, injustice, the way nations behave, and so on.  Bob and I had countless discussions together as we questioned, challenged, found answers that made sense one day and not so much the next.  Living in two different worlds (North America and West Africa), between poverty and affluence, Christianity and other religions,  peace and conflict, and so close to death and life, feeds the questions and the search for answers.

I found the book to be inspiring, as he provided new insights into the lives and faith journeys of thirteen remarkable persons who have asked and struggled with these same issues:  Martin Luther King Jr, G.K. Chesterton, Dr. Paul Brand, Dr. Robert Coles, Leo Tolstoy and Feodor Dostoevsky, Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. C. Everett Koop, John Donne, Annie Dillard, Frederick Buechner, Shusaku Endo, and Henri Nouwen.  Not only does he share insights into the lives and writings of these individuals, but at the close of each chapter, he gives recommended readings from each person.   I have decided to read through as many of these recommended readings as possible.

Dostoevsky

I have started with Tolstoy and Dostoevsky.  Yancey starts the chapter about these two authors with this, "My deepest doubts about the faith can be summed up in a single question:  Why doesn't it work?"  This is a question that I struggle with as well while I see the Muslim faith gaining such momentum in West Africa, and the decadence and family breakdowns among Christians in the west; not to mention the Church's history in the Crusades, the slave trade, colonization, and the way we treat each other, both within and outside our own denominations.  Tolstoy and Dostoevsky address the tension that exists between Christian ideals and reality, not only in their writing but in their life as well.  Yancy expands his question by stating, "Christian ideals attract admiration even from unbelievers, yet what good are those ideals if I cannot put them into practice?"

Between these two Russian thinkers, we find an answer of sorts to the tension between the high ideals of the gospel and the grim reality of ourselves - absolute ideals and absolute grace - to accept that we will never measure up, but that we do not have to.  Jesus never lowered God's ideals, yet He offered a grace that is perhaps the greatest distinctive of the Christian faith.

Tolstoy

The following quote by Tolstoy is taken from a personal letter, responding to critics at the end of his life.  It is one that I appreciate, as I wrestle with my own falling short of the ideals by which I try to live:

"What about you, Lev Nikolayevich, you preach very well, but do you carry out what you preach?"  This is the most natural of questions and one that is always asked of me; it is usually asked victoriously, as though it were a way of stopping my mouth.  "You preach, but how do you live?"  And I answer that I do not preach, that I am not able to preach, although I passionately wish to.  I can preach only through my actions, and my actions are vile...And I answer that I am guilty, and vile, and worthy of contempt for my failure to carry them out.


At the same time, not in order to justify, but simply in order to explain my lack of consistency, I say: "Look at my present life and then at my former life, and you will see that I do attempt to carry them out.  It is true that I have not fulfilled one thousandth part of them [Christian precepts], and I am ashamed of this, but I have failed to fulfill them not because I did not wish to, but because I was unable to.  Teach me how to escape from the net of temptations that surrounds me, help me and I will fulfill them; even without help I wish and hope to fulfill them.


"Attack me, I do this myself, but attack me rather than the path I follow and which I point out to anyone who asks me where I think it lies.  If I know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side!  If it is not the right way, then show me another way; but if I stagger and lose the way, you must help me, you must keep me on the true path, just as I am ready to support you.  Do not mislead me, do not be glad that I have got lost, do not shout out joyfully: 'Look at him!  He said he was going home, but there he is crawling into a bog!' No, do not gloat, but give me your help and support."

In Tolstoy's book Anna Karenina, the major character Levin has a spiritual awakening as can be seen in the following quote:

I shall still get angry with my coachman Ivan, I shall still argue and express my thoughts inopportunely; there will still be a wall between the holy of holies of my soul and other people, even my wife, and I shall still blame her for my own fears and shall regret it; I shall still be unable to understand with my reason why I am praying, and I shall continue to pray - but my life, my whole life, independently of anything that may happen to me, every moment of it, is no longer meaningless but has an incontestable meaning of goodness, with which I have the power to invest it.

Yancy was able to resolve some of his restlessness found in this tension and it has been a comfort to me as well.  As I wrestle with the daily incongruity between my own behaviors and those for which I strive, as well as struggling with the behaviors of others around me, I am reminded that these are not new struggles, but go back for centuries.  And like Yancy, I can say, "Having fallen from the absolute idea, as Tolstoy did, we have nowhere to land but with Dostoevsky, in the safety net of absolute grace."

Reed Update - October 2011 edition

Weather - I left Grand Rapids on Tuesday with the temperature in the mid40s and arrived in Accra on Wednesday to a balmy 95F - it felt like going from the fridge to the oven.  As I write in Accra, it is 87F, with a humidity of 83% and dew-point at 72%.  And I see in Grand Rapids it is 34F.  I think I prefer warm to cold, after being so cold in Grand Rapids that my body hurt.  Noah prefers cold to warm because it is easier to layer up and warm up, but cooling down is difficult without AC.  And you? 

Some of you were surprised to see me in Michigan this past week.  I was there for just a quick visit for the Partners Worldwide conference. I had actually tried to get out of coming back for it, since I had just been in the US for the summer and had only been back in Ghana for about a month, but it was important to connect with the rest of the Partners Worldwide team and meet new members.  Even more importantly, I had to do some fundraising as I continue to be behind in my support, so the trip was necessary.  Noah went back to the home of his friend Armand, while I made the journey.  It was a very busy week, but there were good connections made, and good conversations had.

The big advantage was being able to see Hannah again, after saying goodbye to her at Calvin College a month earlier.  She picked me up at the airport and it was good to have a little time to hang out together and talk.  Overall she seems to be doing well - she just has to figure out the homework versus sleep versus social life issue that seems to plague many freshmen (and upperclassmen as well).  It's time for mid-term exams already, which is hard to believe.

Noah also finished the first quarter of his senior year and his teachers (and report card) indicate that he continues to do well.  He has taken some leadership roles this year and is currently serving as president of the Student Council, is on the debate team, working as a Teacher Assistant for two teachers, and has taken a leadership role with the planning and organizing for the senior trip.  In his spare time he is working out at a local gym, playing the electric guitar, doing homework, and continues to enjoy video games.  He recently took the SATs again and is happy to be finally done with that, as he now needs to begin applying for colleges next year.  He is pretty set on going to Calvin College as well, although some other colleges are beginning to catch his eye and attention.

The election in Liberia was peaceful, with high turnout, so we are thankful for that.  Unfortunately, no candidate carried 51% of the vote, so a run-off election has been scheduled for November 8 between the top two candidates, President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf and Winston Tubman.   There were the usual declarations of election fraud by the losers, but other than a few minor incidents, the country seems to be preparing for the run-off.  I am planning to travel to Liberia on November 11 with two guests, so we pray that the run-off will not interfere with that trip.

The happy family.

This morning at 5 am in Adenta, Ghana, I attended a naming ceremony for the baby of Juliet and Nana Yaw Atuah-Mendoh.  Juliet is the Office Manager at Hopeline Institute and is a woman I have grown to love in over the past two years.  Her pregnancy was not an easy one and we are so thankful for this beautiful baby boy.  The naming ceremony (or outing) for the baby is traditional in this culture, following the Biblical example of Zechariah and Elizabeth with John, with the name being announced by the father.  The baby's tongue given butter and honey (and in some cases alcohol) so that he will know the difference between right and wrong (Isaiah 7:15).  This baby's name is:  Nhyiraba (meaning "Blessed child") Kojo (male born on Monday) Aboagye (Satisfaction of the Lord) Atuah (flying...on the wings of the Holy Spirit).  Most people have as one of their names the day of the week on which they were born.  For example, Hannah was born on Sunday, so her Ghanaian name would be Esi; Noah was born on Monday, so he too would be Kojo; I was born on Tuesday, so I would be Abena.  It was a beautiful ceremony, with everyone wearing white.  Afterwards, gifts were given to the baby, with people declaring what the gift should be for - his education, his first offering, his first Bible, etc.  You might be wondering why the ceremony was at 5 am?  It is typically in the early morning, but not usually this early.  Their pastor had a workshop all day so the time was moved up to accommodate his schedule.  So everyone arose around 4 am to get ready to come for this event.  I'm often amazed at the hours that people keep in West Africa - rising so early and working so late.

At the Partners Worldwide staff meetings this past week, the following YouTube clip was shown from National Geographic, which I thought was enjoyable and something you might enjoy as well.  It has to do with "how typical are you?" and gives some food for thought in this changing world.

Blessings to all of you this week!

Liberian Election

On Tuesday, October 11, Liberians will go to the polls again to vote for their next president.  It's hard to believe that six years have been passed since we were present in Liberia for the 2005 elections.  We had moved to Liberia about ten weeks before that election and it was a pretty crazy time.  Hannah and Noah were twelve and ten, and they had to file a report for their homeschooling homework (to read it, click here).  At the time, Hannah was not very happy being in Liberia and I remember that we had an opportunity to go out with an American working with the US army involved in doing some interviewing at the polls.  I made Hannah go and despite resenting it then, I think she now appreciates being part of that election process. 

This year there are 16 candidates - 13 men and 3 women, however there appear to be three front-runners.

Ma Ellen

President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf is one of the frontrunners, despite her promise to only run once, as well as her current age of 72 (should she win, she will be 78 at the end of the next six year term).  She has also survivied the recommendation of the TRC for her to stand down due to her early support of Charles Taylor (when ousting Samuel Doe), and most recently a constitutional provision that states that presidential candidates must have lived in the country for ten years - this was waived for the 2005 election.  Her award of the Nobel Peace Prize on October 7 gives her added publicity on an international level, but has brought a wave of fire at a local level.

Winston Tubman

The next frontrunner is Winston Tubman, the nephew of former President William Tubman, currently 70 years old.  Tubman ran in the 2005 presidential race, but emerged with just 9% of the vote in the first round.  This time he has merged his party with former front-runner and soccer star, George Weah, who is running as his Vice-Presidential Nominee.  He received his law degree from Yale and his graduate degree in Economics from Cambridge University.  Both Tubman and Weah have been very harsh in their criticism of Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, stating to the BBC after the announcement of her winning the Nobel Peace Prize that she is a "war-monger."  Didn't win any points from me on that one - sounds like sour grapes.

Charles Brumskine

The third front-runner is Charles Brumskine, the youngest at age 60.  He also ran in the last election, and was the third most popular (after Weah and Sirleaf-Johnson), receiving 14% of the vote.  Brumskine is also a lawyer.

Results of this election will take two weeks to compile, so the announcement of the winner is not expected before October 25.  If none of the sixteen candidates receive 50% + 1% of the vote, there will be a runoff election on November 8. Please keep this election in your thoughts and prayers.  We hope and pray that this election will be peaceful and orderly, that the citizens of Liberia will exercise their democratic right to vote, and that the results will be accepted. 

By the way, the other winner of the Nobel Peace Prize from Liberia, Leymah Gbowee, is the woman from the video, Pray the Devil Back to Hell.  We have been promoting that documentary because of the great role of advocacy that these women played.  When we moved to Liberia in 2005, these women were still there praying every day, at the Fish Market, outside of Monrovia.  It's a great documentary to watch, if you get the chance.

Where Ivoirians and Liberians meet

Not too long ago, I was sent this news link from VOA (Voice of America) by one of our North American partners working with Cote d'Ivoire.  It was such a joy to receive it because so often the news we hear out of Africa is negative - famine, corruption, wars.  This story is about giving, loving our neighbors, and living in community.

As you know, Côte d'Ivoire suffered a civil crisis this past year, which hopefully has brought an end the ongoing split in the country since 2002.  From January - April of this year, approximately 150,000 refugees left Côte d'Ivoire and fled into neighboring Liberia.  The common border that is shared between these two countries is a political one - people on each side view themselves as from the same tribe, with a common tribal language.  It is also an area of Liberia that is not well developed or easily accessible by road, making it difficult for aid agencies to come in.  However, this video, which you can see below, shows how the villages there stepped in to welcome the refugees into their small homes, sharing their food, their farm lands, everything.  And why did they do this?  Because it wasn't too long ago that Liberians were fleeing from their civil crisis into Côte d'Ivoire, where they received similar treatment from the villagers there.  And we are not talking about being good hosts for a day, a week, a month...but in some cases fourteen years!

I know that cultural differences enter into this.  Here is an example of this cultural difference: if you are a man and you go to someone's house to visit by yourself, it may be that the host would say, "I have made arrangements for my two sons to sleep in your bed with you, so that you will not feel lonely."  Most Americans would say, "Thanks but no thanks."  But it does definitely make me examine how "turfy" I am with my own living space and stuff.  To have a one-room home with four children, and then to open it up to an additional four persons?  I don't think I will be able to make that change in this lifetime...but it does make me think.

Here is the video from VOA - about four minutes long.

So...what's with the ring?

Most people haven't said anything - only a couple people have asked - but I thought I'd write about it.  I am still wearing my wedding ring.  Not only that, but I am also wearing Bob's wedding ring.  Some people take their wedding ring off the day that their spouse dies.  Some people take it off after the funeral.  Some people remove it symbolically at the one year anniversary of their spouse's death.  So why, eighteen months later, am I still wearing mine?

Well, here's a little about the story.  When we said good-bye to Bob in the hospital, I took off his wedding ring and immediately placed it below my wedding ring, just to make sure I didn't loose it.  His ring was bigger than mine, so mine kept his in place.  I kept it there over the next week and after the memorial service, realized that I liked wearing both.  So I went to a jeweler, had his ring resized to fit my finger, welded the two rings together, and had the jeweler engrave a cross over the two rings.

I love wearing these rings because I feel like I am carrying on the marriage.  You see, for me, I still feel like I am married to Bob.  Our marriage was about more than just the two of us - it involved the children as well as our calling from God.  I still feel like we are raising our children - even though he is absent, the same principles, beliefs, and traditions are carried on in our home.  I am still living out our calling and trying to do the work that we were called to as a couple.

There is an additional reason to wearing the ring.  It does provide some form of safety and security through the implication that there is a man attached to me.  When I am asked by men in West Africa where my husband is, I tell them he is traveling - which is not a lie as I'm sure Bob is enjoying the vastness of heaven.

There are some that say that wearing the ring beyond one year means that I am living in denial.  I don't know how that could possibly be true (of course, that's exactly what someone living in denial WOULD say:-).  I am VERY well aware that Bob is no longer here.  One would have to be severly mentally or emotionally disturbed to think that wearing a wedding ring is sufficient to delude oneself that one's spouse is alive.   

My decision to keep wearing these rings may change when both of the kids are out of the house or maybe when I move to a different place completely on my own without Bob's input. Maybe I'll never take them off.  I don't know.  I know that when it feels right to take them off, I will do so.

[FYI - I lost the diamond from my engagement ring after nineteen years - just three months after we moved to Ghana and six months before Bob died.  After searching all over for it, Bob concluded that it probably was appropriate that it returned to the dust of West Africa, since that may be where it came from.  Sad though.]

A Widow's Plight

Afeerah, receiving her certificate after our training.  

A few days ago, I met with a woman named Afeerah*.  She is a member of the Village Savings and Loan (VSL) program with Hopeline (if you aren't familiar with VSLs click here), as well as a graduate of our Second Batch of Small and Medium Size Entrepreneurs (SMEs).  I have known Afeerah for over a year and have enjoyed her so much - she has a smile and a passion in her that is inviting.  She runs a strong, growing business and is a leader in her village.  In fact, many of the members of her VSL were so proud of her for attending our SME class (she has not had any formal education) and they felt she represented them.  She understands my English well, but isn't able to speak it very well, so she will often speak in Twi and it will be translated for me.

Afeerah's husband died of a kidney disease on August 8, while I was in the States, and I went to visit her to extend my condolences.    I know that to be a widow in Ghana is difficult as there are many cultural widow rituals that one must go through (I wrote about that shortly after Bob died - if you want to refresh your memory click here).  Additionally, Afeerah is also a Muslim, which has its own customs for widows.

Sitting on her mat in her house.  Note the comfy couch behind her.

I met Afeerah on the floor of her humble home, sitting on a mat - she could not come out to greet us, as hosts normally do.  She explained to me that she is not to go out of doors for 130 days and must spend her time on a mat on the floor during that time.  The first forty days are for mourning; the next 90 days are to be sure that she isn't pregnant by her husband nor sick with the same illness as her husband (if she were to go out, she could get pregnant by another person or contract a different illness).  She is to spend her time in prayer. Sitting on furniture is not allowed - she told me how her body is aching from sleeping on the cold cement floor.  Being seen outdoors is not allowed - she may only go outside for her bath.  Running her business (her only source of income) is not allowed.  "Men do not suffer these punishments," she told me, "only women.  Men may go out the day after their wife's death and marry again."  Not so for women.

To add insult to injury, her husband's family came to tell her that she had no rights to the family home.  Additionally, they wanted to carry her to the Volta region, where she would have to undergo some other widow rituals, which would probably conclude in her being found guilty for her husband's death, thereby ending any rights to property or children (Afeerah has three sons and two adopted daughters).  Afeerah refused to go.  [She said that the training we gave at Hopeline taught her to stand up for herself - maybe she was just being kind, but one of the classes we teach is on boundaries and how to say "no".]  She thinks that even though she refused to go, this issue will not go away.  She will have to go to court with them, but what they don't know is that a wise person told her husband to legally register their marriage after their wedding (something that is not often done in traditional marriages) and so she has the papers she needs to claim the legal rights to the property. 

Prior to going to Afeerah's house, I met a woman in our new SME class, whose name is Nana.  In the process of all the business owners sharing about their business, Nana informed the class that she had taken on her husband's business after his passing away this past January.  After class, I sought her out and spoke with her for a while.  She informed me that she is 32 years old - her husband was 42 - and they have five children.   The oldest is 13 years old, the youngest is two years old.  Her husband's family is not helping her at all - she said that she is a Jehovah's Witness and it is her church that has been a help to her.  She is trained as a nursery teacher and could go back to that, but the pay is very low for supporting five children, so she is trying to pick up from what her husband was doing (marketing, farming, and exporting).  Unfortunately, her husband had received an investment of $20,000 US from a Ghanaian-American who wanted to partner with him in his business.  Since her husband's death, there was corruption and stealing by family members and the business has suffered greatly.  She is left with this large burden in addition to putting food on the table each day for six.  She is hoping our class will help her learn how to run the business.

This is why I need to live in Africa.  When I begin to feel sorry for myself, I think of Afeerah or Nana.  Perspective is everything.  I thank God for the work of Hopeline Institute and Partners Worldwide, where we get a chance to reach these widows, to help them through training, mentoring, and access to capital, to develop a sustainable income to provide for their family, to be the hands and feet of Jesus to them, and pray with and for them. We need to continue to pray for the customs and the rights of widows in this country to be changed.

[*Names have been changed and pictures blurred to protect the identity of the women featured in this story.]